what a journey! or what a rollercoaster I should say! this year was so special It will be hard to really put into words all that’s happened. you may have heard about the famous saturn 29 years cycle, the turn that the planet does around the earth where it gets to same point after 29 years, which means it comes back to the point where you were born. well, that happened 3 years ago to me and where I see myself now is right after all this. I moved away to another country, just for a start. I decided my career wasn’t doing its job anymore. so I needed to review myself. little I knew I would have been reviewed in so many other aspects too. I left everything behind and had my heart fulfilled and broken some times for different reasons. let’s not forget there was also a covid worldwide disruption to survive along the way. 32 is about after the storm when the lull begins. at least it is what I hope for.
32 is like a breeze coming to settle my heart down. the smell is cherry blossom. the moment is to be reborn. to give myself a fresh restart. I know what I want. I have what I need. all the love I have experienced and been given on 2019 is fuelling me to go towards this lull moment of only being and existing to delight.
no more the dream of living in France coming through my mind, this is water under the bridge; no more the pressure of the visa for the next 2 years, I was studying a higher diploma that gave me visa to stay in Ireland for a time; no more the urge to be someone important, I have myself and that is enough. that is actually everything. and I can relax. I can feel the light air of the sea. I can enjoy the sun at the park with my friends and drinks. I can plan a party or night of games at home with neighbours. I can get my bike and cycle to the waterfall close to my house or to any park or beach and just enjoy the day. I can watch tv series until late night. I can go hiking with my sister to see the sunset. I have good company and people beside of me. I have a work that I like to do and that challenges me to learn a bit more everyday. a work that I don’t take home, that I don’t do extra hours, that it doesn’t waste my energy until it’s dust. and with all that I can enjoy the day by day of my life.
the year is number 6 to me. the last time on a year like that, I got to accomplish and to grow in many areas of my life at the time. I think it’s similar now, I finished college in another country and in another language, I became manager in a store of an international company and I was living and sharing my life with someone for the first time. it wasn’t easy. it never is. I cried basically everyday during this college, only really finished because I made good angels there that never let me give up; I feel the stress of being manager everyday until today. 3 of these months I had of pure pressure and stress day after day, only noticing who is really by your side when you need; I found out how crazy and good it can be to share your daily life with someone, only realising later it wouldn’t last forever. but I also overcome. I thrive. I get happy with myself for all I experience. in the end, everything becomes useful, a memory, or even fun to me. and I can relax. I look around. I see myself. I see the sunrising, the sunset or the rain. I feel the wind. I close my eyes. I see everyone I care about. I see everyone that cares about me. I see how far I’ve come. it’s when I realise I am happy everyday. with everything, even with all the bad parts. I am happy when I have time for breakfast in the morning. I am happy when I don’t. I am happy when I have the chance to go to work by walking and listening to music. I am happy when I need to get bus. I am happy when I am on time. I am happy when I am late. I am happy I cried lots during college and I am happy because I finished it. I am happy when I have nothing to do. I am happy when I have so much to do I don’t even know where to start. I am happy when I meet my friends in work and we laugh about any and everything. I am happy I had good times sharing my life with someone and with this beautiful opportunity I had to. I am also happy with all I learnt from its ending. I am happy when the work is hard because I am thriving on chaos and I am learning. I am happy when I have a new challenge to overcome, if it’s on work or out of work, and mostly I am happy because I feel all different kinds of feelings and emotions, even hate and anger, but I can still see they are all happiness in the end. all good parts brought me here. all the bad parts brought me here too.
the maturity that 32 surfs on releases the noxious tensions of society and clears up to me that everything is sublime when we are fully living it all. for that to happen I don’t need to be CEO of any company or to be working stressfully for any big company in my area of career, I don’t need a huge house and to have a car to realise I am happy. seven pillars of my life are being fed, they are 1. family, 2. love, 3. studies, 4. friends, 5. health, 6. work, 7. spirit. from time to time, my sister and I use to give a rate of 1 to 5 to the 7 pillars to check on how we feeling in each important part of our lives. I believe that’s where I need to feel happiness and fulfilment. because it doesn’t matter if I have a problem, an issue, a pain, a situation to solve, or if I am suffering, because it’s inevitable. it’s part of daily life, it’s also part of the living and being happy. it’s part of the learning process and part of the puzzle I am playing while I put my life together into a story. the matter is: do I feel happy?
this lull year brought up topics of overcoming frustrations and overcoming the friction of having people that don’t like me around. it was hard. I had to face it. I got sad, angry, upset, insecure. I tried to captivate, to be friends, to understand, to do what they wanted, to let them manipulate me, to let them to do my things. It’s not how it works. everyone is an amazing human being itself. and each one of us had our own opinions, options, desires, rights. that’s it. they can think and say whatever they want. I am not going to change because of others. I am not going to do different because of others. I am finally free. I don’t care if someone has any problems with me or just don’t like me, my way or my personality. either if someone doesn’t get along with me or doesn’t agree with me. it’s completely their problems now. I know it sounds obvious, but it’s actually not. most of people do care. I had to deal with this during this year of rooting my own self to the ground and I found out I like myself too much to get any distress of that. and I can relax. everyone is allow to get along with someone or not, to feel comfortable with someone or not, to like someone or not. it’s beautiful. if they don’t like me, that’s fine by me, I can still like them anyway. it just doesn’t affect me anymore. I can perfectly have empathy and to like someone that doesn’t like me back. to like me, it’s up to them. and to like them, it’s up me. and if people still think this is a two-way street, “they are so behind, it’s ridiculous.”
I lost someone. I got someone. I moved in. I moved out. some cycles came to an end. others started. some things we just know. others just don’t seem to have an answer. my family said to me once that 32 is an important age for love. It is indeed. and I can relax. I discovered a feeling. I enjoyed every moment. I found out my limits. I know what I want. and I am happy with this findings.
one of the richest realisations I had is that the smallest and simplest things are the ones that get me the most. another one is that I see all imperfections and mishaps of life as perfect complements to my history. therefore, everything counts and is very important to me. throughout the ups and downs, I can say 32 is the pinnacle of all the goals and achievements I was looking for 10 years ago. if an interviewer would asked me “how do you see yourself in 10 years from now?” back then, that’s what I would have said.
I am ready for what it’s coming next.